77: This is so strange.

It's been over a year since I posted, and yet I used to spend every day posting on at least one of my blogs. I haven't written in so long. I haven't paused in so long. Life has been incredibly fast-paced. I've learnt a lot, and lost a lot, and found a lot. It's been difficult, it's been great, it's been tragic. Today marks the day I have been living out of home for one year. It's very strange. It seems I've been here forever, and at the same time, it feels I'm gasping for air. I've learnt a lot about myself. I've learnt my own strength, courage, fears - and I've learnt that I can't stay still. If there's one piece of advice that has been provided time after time, it's "Breathe", or "Stop". But I am yet to breathe, and I am yet to stop. I miss creating. I miss writing. And so I will start again. I won't make an e-promise to blog every day, but I will try. My new resolution, is to create. To write, to take photographs, to make art - to let myself feel, and from that, express. I will buy a new camera and I will create. This marks a new beginning.

It's been one year. And I've learnt that I need to change - I need to let myself be.

Here's a photograph of my room when I first moved in.

This is the first of a series of self portraits I shot. I'm so happy to finally be getting back into photography. I move into my new house in three days. I'm so excited.

073: Ian Hawkins.

First time in a long time that I've taken photos. This is Ian Hawkins.

072: Disconnected.

Firstly, I don't think anyone would even bother reading this blog anymore. I have been so distant and disconnected from it and I'm sorry. I suppose I've been disconnected from everything lately. Disconnected from everyone, including myself. I miss creating art. I miss taking photos. I miss this blog. So I'm going to start posting here, and hopefully then I'll start showing people and giving them things to look at, things to see. Things that I can only hope can be appreciated. This post is more for myself than anything else. I'm ready to move on, finally. This blog started because I was inspired by someone. I want to inspire myself.

071: CURRENTLY

I am so ready to admit that I am the worst blogger ever right now, so this is going to be a pretty lengthy post about everything exciting in my life right now.

Two weeks ago, I went to Meredith Music Festival 2011, and it was the best weekend I've had in such a long time. I discovered some rad new music, got hugged by one of the Cut Copy dudes, and by Nick Cave, which completed my life. I was infinitely happy. Not to mention I got to spend three nights in a row cuddling, hanging out with rad people, and surrounded by the most incredible atmosphere I think I've ever been in. I also discovered these two rad dudes, Oscar + Martin, who I highly recommend you check out. They are what happens when you combine analogue keyboards, ethereal harmonies, , funky percussion/drum patterns, synthesisers and the desire to dance. I will leave you with my personal favourites. 

I also booked my tickets to South America, which I think I posted about - and will so in further detail when I actually know what is going on, oops. I GOT A NEW JOB AT THE RESTAURANT AT THE ZOO, in the meerkat bistro - which I am ridiculously excited to start just because I think after every shift I will go and love all the animals forever and ever. Oliver is away at the moment which SUX and I am just so preoccupied with earning money + spending money - it's probably the worst combination ughhhhh.

P.s. HI 

070: Currently

Firstly, I would just like to apologise for being the worst blogger ever. I have finally finished all of my exams (NOV 17.) & I have been living the most incredible life since. I booked tickets to South America, I leave the morning after my eighteenth birthday, to travel around + volunteer in an orphanage in Peru, walk the sacred valley, Machu Picchu etc. I have pretty much just been out constantly since I finished exams, here, there, wherever. But I promise to be better, to be more inspired, to be more attentive to this documentation.

P.s. I went to Meredith on the weekend and it was a ridiculous amount of fun. More on that later.

069:

I am a bad blogger at the moment. I have completed 4/13 exams. I am looking forward to finishing.

068: Untitled

It was in those moments, as I plunged my hand into the water that absorbed me like a sponge, warming my skin but chilling my bones, that I finally understood what you meant when you said you no longer wanted to exist. It wasn’t about wanting to end a life, not yours, nor anyone else’s. Rather, it was about a feeling of utmost tiredness, regret and a deep, long lasting sadness that had cumulated to form a sick love for darkness, as it held you closer than anyone ever had. The turmoil had destroyed any sense of self worth, any longing to continue, but it wasn’t about death. It was in those moments, as I reached out for a hand that was never really there, a hand that warmed my skin but chilled my bones, that I understood the desire to seep into a drain, or to close my eyes for eternity. It wasn’t about death, yet the morosely vivid images of your absence haunted my mind.

067: I can make you satisfied in everything you do. All your secret wishes could right now be coming true. Be forever with my poison arms, around you.

066: I feel a little too much like this right now.

065: Silvio Green

064: Reflection

This is my candidate statement for IB Visual Arts. I feel it might  be something worth looking back on in sixty-three years.

"Throughout my journey in the past two years, art has become a passion and a means of expression. Having struggled with dark complexities of human emotion prior to the beginning of my IB journey, as an artist I was extremely apprehensive in creating artwork that expressed my personality or personal life – I was fearful of exposing myself to censure and criticism. Once I dared to take risks, the result was invigorating, so I continued to force myself to be brave and eradicate my fear of the unfamiliar.

I have explored the depths of human emotion, often focusing on the vulnerability of women within cultures and society. My self-portraits attempt to capture the essence of this, focusing on my own emotional struggle, feelings of captivity, vulnerability and the seeming incapability of escape from darkness. To develop my sense of composition, I concentrated on using light and dark to manipulate tone and balance my work. 

My work has been greatly inspired by Annie Leibovitz (US 1949), and her ability to capture a great magnitude of emotion through her portraits. Artistically, my aim has been to create and manipulate photographs which immediately instil emotional sensations in a viewer. My main medium has been film and digital photography, focusing on digital manipulation, capturing precise instances and manipulating it to represent what I feel within that moment. I have explored the role of music in emotion, photographing and manipulating portraits of musicians, and using music to influence my viewer’s emotions in my ‘Cycle of  Captivity’ stop motion piece.

Leif Podhajsky’s, (Australia b. Unspecified), themes of connecting with nature have inspired me to further my investigation of human emotion and its place in nature, leading me to create abstract portraits and landscapes, exploring concepts of symmetry, repetition and the connection between nature and the human body.

P.s. I graduate on Friday. One exam down, twelve to go.

063: I couldn't disguise my excitement when I heard Bon Iver, James Blake and 'Collaboration' in the same sentence.

James Blake and Justin Vernon, Bon Iver, have come together to form a haunting collaboration. Falls Creek Boys Choir incorporates both of these artist's unique styles at a midpoint that forms a melancholic mess, demonstrating James Blake's balance between silence and sound, and Vernon's harmonious falsettos. The pair use auto-tuned vocals, not to mask off-key inaccuracies, but rather as an instrument in itself - a medium for self-expression and magnificent creativity. Elements of both Bon Iver's and James Blake's self-titled albums are apparent throughout the song, Vernon's exquisite, ethereal vocals and the unpredictability and sporadicity,  of Blake's irregular electronic intervals.
I am mesmerised.

062: I have now completed my first exam.

This is such a surreal feeling. Art has been a whirlwind of creativity, emotion, inspiration over the course of the past two years - and I mean that 100%. And now it's over, and I feel flat.

I had my first IB exam yesterday, for Visual Arts, a 45 minute interview in which I was able to share the meaning, technique, artistic influences, cultural influences, etc, behind my artwork. It was such an incredible experience, and I'm surprised to say that I genuinely enjoyed the experience. I can't be certain how I went - but my examiner did tell me that he was 'moved' by my work- which is all I could have hoped for. I feel happy with the way it played out.

I quite literally walked out of my examination and didn't even notice - I didn't feel anything, until my IB co-ordinator asked me how it went, and I had the most absurd feeling - that resignated with me for the remainder of my day. The examination was a confronting experience - to speak about something that has been so internal, something that is a part of me that I am only beginning to share with the world, but it was such an empowering feeling. I am so happy and simultaneously, I am so sad.

One exam down, twelve to go. Not too long now. I'm excited.

061: Ugh

Feeling so much like this right now.

060: Currently

Today I finished setting up my graduating show, and I am ridiculously happy with the way it's turned out. It's all very ethereal and what not, but I don't know want to give too much away. Art exam is on Saturday, I will post some images of the display after that!

059: Cycle of Captivity

058: I woke up and you were crying. I woke up and you were saying good love, passed it last night in a dream.

(via Natasha Kahn)

Sometimes I can sit for hours, without moving. And the fact that I can just sit there, zoned out from everything surrounding me, is something that really bothers me. I can be so wrapped up in my own head - I have enough sadness in my mind - enough thoughts, to keep me occupied for hours and hours. That’s something that really bothers me, I think I've become absorbed with the notion of existence.

057: Polaroids

Firstly, sorry about the terrible quality of these scans. Anyone who knows me knows about my love for cameras and film of any sort - I've had a polaroid sitting in my cupboard for who knows how long - so when I discovered The Impossible Project, you can only imagine my joy. These were taken a while ago now, but here are 8 of my polaroid photographs, featuring Alia and Sam. These particular 8 are going to be hung in my exhibition.

056:

“I don’t know what they are called, the spaces between seconds – but I think of you always in those intervals." - Salvador Plascencia